Disclaimer: My wife approved of the following post (hint).
My heart was shattered in pieces along the floor of her two-bedroom apartment.
The prior evening she informed me over the phone that she was confused and needed space. I showed up at her apartment in a desperate attempt at changing her mind. The tear-stains lining my hazel eyes weren’t garnering any sympathy, or at least it didn’t feel that way.
Her mind was made up. She wanted us to take some time apart.
It felt so cold.
We had been together for a year-and-a half and were planning a wedding the next Fall. I owned the engagement set she loved and everything seemed to be heading the right direction … or so I thought.
Til that night.
Something happened, I wasn’t involved, leaving her with confusion that she needed to address before our relationship could continue.
There I stood, empty, in her sun-warmed bedroom, in emotional devastation.
On her advice I called home. My anxiety and abandonment were at a fever pitch. Just recalling this event that occurred nearly three decades ago has me reeling in anxiety and rippling in hurt. Maybe I’ve never adequately dealt with this scar because it shouldn’t still bother me.
Looks like I’m going to have to practice some mindfulness, explore the pain and see what emotions I find with which I need to deal.
As I stood next to Kristy, I heeded her unction and called my folks. My mom picked up and the advice she gave resonates with me still today.
She told me that if I really loved my girlfriend, I would let her go and that if my girlfriend really loved me she would return. If I loved her, I would be willing to wait, for a brief time and honor her choice. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was definitely what I needed to hear.
I took her advice.
I’m not gonna lie, the emotional torment I was feeling sucked! Somewhere, deep inside, I knew she was right. If I really loved my girl, I would respect her autonomy, even if it left me alone. Our relationship would be restored if she truly loved me. That’s what love does.
True love honors the choices of it’s object.
Love doesn’t control. Love doesn’t coerce. Love honors.
My mom did ask if I needed to come home to work things out. I chose to stay put. I couldn’t be that far away. My sense of abandonment wouldn’t allow it.
My emotional pain was written all over my face during this time. I know, weak, right?! My girlfriend and I worked together so add to our distance the fact that I got to watch other guys flirt with her while I had to stay back and not show how much I was hurting.
I was going to respect my girlfriend’s autonomy. I was going to let her make her own decision.
The rock-bottom moment for me was the day she went on a lunch date with another guy. My heart was ripped out. I respected her choice even though it felt like it was killing me at the time. Of course, my abandonment and insecurity were working me over.
Did she take me for granted? Is she sending the signal that she’s got options to move on that I don’t? Why is she even exploring this option, am I really as bad as I feared? What am I going to do if she decides I’m not enough and leaves me hanging?
Welcome to the seemingly inescapable black hole of insecurity, anxiety, and abandonment! If we did stay split up, I was going to find another job because I couldn’t be that close and that far away at the same time.
It was in daily torment feeling as though my heart was trampled.
I wish all of the questions posed by my insecurity had vanished by now, but they like to linger.
I didn’t realize that the war within me was developing a more Christ-like concept of love. Part of me strenuously desired to get her back, to find some rando and take her on a date just to share the pain I was feeling. Maybe I should refuse to get back together so that she could feel the pain of abandonment I was enduring.
Yet, another part of reminded me that such wasn’t the way love acts.
Love doesn’t seek vengeance. Love does seek what is best for another, even if it hurts me intensely and without remedy or recourse. Love loves unconditionally.
Dealing with the agony of love like this gave me a deeper understanding of God’s character. I didn’t realize that this was necessary for my development, even as I’m realizing that I still haven’t gotten past the pain of that moment. I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that she has options and will take them if I ever get out of line.
I know, I look really weak, needy, and insecure. Don’t you hear my demons screaming that at me? I passionately hate this part of my mind-scape. Seems like as good a time as any to transition.
“God is love”
-1 John 4:16b NASB
Love is who God is.
Which means that His example of love is what we should imitate.
God’s love respects our autonomy. God loves us enough to choose us, knowing that we are going to chase others with our devotion and that we may never love Him back.
That’s a picture of true love.
True love respected Adam and Eve’s autonomy in the Garden.
True love honored humanity’s choice to reject Him when He walked this earth.
True love respects our autonomy still today. True love honors choice!
I learned that lesson then and it holds today. Love doesn’t denigrate autonomy. Love also doesn’t pass judgement on a situation without having both the entire picture and the proper standard.
Too many Evangelicals aren’t expressing true love.
Too many of us don’t love like God does. We love those who agree with us and act in the way we expect and who avoid the “big” sins that we oppose. But we refuse to extend loving-kindness and compassion to those with whom we disagree or who are caught in the “big” sins.
Our loving-kindness and compassion are conditional and contingent upon whether “they” repent of disagreeing with our view or stop engaging in the “big” sins. It’s funny how all sin is equal, until it is a sin with which we’re not struggling.
We love in an unrighteous and unjust way. Doing so diminishes the light for which the world around us is desperate. Instead of shining, we’re cloaking.
Love allows us choice even though the consequences are bad. I was willing to let her walk away from what I believed would be an amazing life with me. It would have been her loss.
I didn’t believe that at the time. I felt unworthy of love. I could only see losing her as my own loss.
I’m sad that it took me so many years to realize that truth. I had never thought of myself as valuable enough to be something someone would miss out on. Just that concept alone meanders in treacherous territory!
My girlfriend’s actions triggered the worst of my mental illness and left me resentful for being made to feel that way. I despised feeling as though I was replaceable. At the time, I felt as though she had taken advantage of my insecurity in this whole process.
In my mind, I waited around like a whipped lap dog. I was back at home, mentally, my worst self.
I know, it still feels silly today. Yet, I haven’t resolved the remaining scar. My only guess is that it’s because what happened provoked so many of my mental failings that I’ve never indulged the painful process of retching it out. We’ll see what fleshes out in mindfulness.
Love does indeed hurt.
Which was another message I received back then that I didn’t realize was shaping my character. Emotional responses are activated by love. If I didn’t love my girlfriend, her actions wouldn’t have impacted me in the least. I was hurt because of my love.
God hurts when His love for us goes unrequited as well. He is grieved.
Grief is the result of love! God’s love for us leaves Him in grief when we chose other paths than His will. So let’s get back to the path my girlfriend chose.
Approximately a week after telling me she needed space, my girlfriend called and asked me over to her apartment. I was terror-struck. She didn’t give any indication on the phone as to what she wanted and I assumed such was the case because she was done with me and cared enough to say so in person.
The drive over was excruciating. My nerves were rattled, leaving my hands in tremors. I didn’t play any music because I was in preparatory depression for the bad news I was certain was coming soon. I slowly and methodically climbed the stairs to her apartment.
As I neared the doorway I could hear a Celine Dion song ringing in the air. I knocked on the door and my girlfriend welcomed me in. After a few minutes of small talk, she apologized for having hurt me and said she was interested in getting back together.
I was ecstatic and without a thought at all agreed.
She explained that marriage got too real and suddenly she was unsure of her own choice. The week apart, and the lunch date, confirmed that I was the right choice. I didn’t really dig to deep into what she meant by that because I didn’t want to entertain the notion that she was comparing me to someone else. I was too vulnerable to face that reality.
I just accepted her choice. Maybe I should have dug more, but I was afraid to do so. I feared she would simply finish off the relationship if I pried further. Not that she seemed to want that, but that my mental state had convinced me of that reality.
No, I didn’t share with her all of the emotional turmoil in which I had been drowning. I was too insecure. So, I gratefully accepted the life preserver she offered and made my way to the shore of my mental swamp. I was too glad to have her back to care to process my feelings.
Plus, real men don’t do that because we’re afraid it will chase those we love away. I know, it’s a cop out.
Continuing the story, within a few weeks my girlfriend would officially become my fiancé. We were wed six months later. We’ve remained that way for nearly 25 years as I write today.
Love worked out for me, this time.
While I continue to grapple with the pain I feel, I’m appreciative of the lesson on God’s love with which this experience left me.
Love is patient, not controlling.
Love does not act improperly, but considers how others are impacted by actions.
Love is unselfish, not coercive.
Love is merciful, not vengeful.
Love endures everything, even the worst imaginable anguish.
God is love.
Love honors choice.
Grace and peace!
If you liked this post, you just might enjoy my book, What He Said: Living the Sermon on the Mount, Transforming American Culture.
If you want to follow my journey, you can read each of the collections below:
Mark West, Xvangelical 